Got the weekend off, haven't posted any thing in a long time. Monday will be the two year anniversary of Jim's death. My animals have been doing good. Bandit is 13 years old. Have a friend at work who had to put her Rottweiler down due to cancer. Her veterinarian sent her a letter of the Rainbow Bridge. She bought it to work for me to read it to her, it was sad but a honor for her to let me do that for her. So Thanksgiving I took a copy of Jim and mine's wedding video and ask her to watch it with me, I haven't been able to look at any of the video's with him in it. So all of my co-workers gathered around the television and watched it with me. The support system I have there is awesome, I've worked there 28 years, was 21 years old when I started.
I actually did very well, I was kind of afraid to look at it. I miss him so much, but the pain isn't as raw as it used to be. If I really think about it I could make my self cry, I guess you could look at this way, last year at the one year anniversary, it was kind of like a scab, this years it's a scar.
Give some thoughts about what it could be next year.
Oh by the way here is a neat picture of Bandit, the little white dot's above his head is Sheets's eyes.

I'm off work today and trying to stay out of the heat, temperature is supposed to be up to the mid 90's, I'm not one for being outside in the heat. Think I'll just sit inside and read, stitch, or watch a movie.
Had a patient yesterday that really got to my heart yesterday. She was not doing good, and it is just a matter of time, early in the morning when I first went in to her room, she opened her eyes, started smiling and said "I so glad to see you, I love it when your here". Patients that do that remind me why I became a nurse. Those are the ones who you know have a sweet spirit. Wish I could describe the feelings when they say that. Some time they don't actually say it, just a smile or a gentle touch. That's when I feel Gods love for me and it makes me step back, take a deep breath and go in the not so sweet rooms. I guess in a way it's like paying it forward, those gentle spirits are payed forward to others by me as a carrier.

Should I or shouldn't I

Well here we go a co-worker has introduced me to her brother, she wants me to come over to her house for a cookout. She even had him come into work last Saturday to meet me. I was so
nervous. I really don't know if I'm ready, but I do want to get out of the house and do something other than sleep and work. Give me some input.

Working night shift tonight, it seems all I do is go to work and sleep, so very bored with it. But in the same breath I really do love being a nurse. To help them both physically and mentally and spiritually.

Cut the grass this morning, am now resting in my room, read all my emails, getting ready to get off the computer and pick up my stitching, think I will take some pictures of my pieces that I've done and show them here. Here is one I was doing when my husband was going through his chemo and radiation.

After he died I raffled it off and gave the procedes to the Relay for Life. It was kind of his idea, he used to ask what I was going to do with it, and then he suggested that I do some kind of raffle.

Off from work today, also off tomorrow, have a Doctor's appointment Wednesday after work. Been having swelling and pain in legs. Kind of concerned about it.
Finished reading Devil Bones today, am going to start Montana Weddings by Linda Ford.

Been off for several days, watched a movie last night, "The boy in the striped pajamas" The movie was good, wish I had read the book, may try to find it to read. Reading "Devil Bones" by Kathy Reichs, she is the inspiration for the television show Bones.
Back to work tomorrow night. Then have a long stretch of days. Not really looking forward to it

but what the hey, been off for four days, I guess they expect me to work if they expect to continue to pay me.

This is Taylor, is'nt she pretty, she looks so much like her mommy Jennifer. She is riding on the Surry Ferry in this picture.

The other is her cousin Sierra both are my grandchildren, Sierra is also beautiful, her picture was taken at a concert.

Saturday a day off

The man in the post two ago passed away, I'm so over death, I'm ready for some life.
My co-workers and friends say I should go to some counseling I really do think its a good idea,
I also need to get out of the bedroom, been spending alot of time here, been reading, cross stitching and wathching television.

Night shift

Working night shift tonight, start my vacation today at 7am. Not planning on going anywhere, am going to a Valentine banquet Saturday night, think I will go and find something to wear. I'll write later how it went.

Day off

Well I worked yesterday 3-11 shift, off today, did some running around, went to the library, grocery store, and Christian Book Store. At home now will be spending most of the day doing laundry. Have about 5 load to do. I've got to force myself to do them or I will be going to work naked.
This last weekend I took care of a patient that also has lung cancer, it's hard to think that Jim has been gone over a year, but when I work with a patient that has lung cancer I get a feeling of attachment, this man is a little older than him. It really breaks my heart that someone has to hurt like he did, Jim was such a strong force. I've tried to express how I'm feeling right now, but seem to have trouble finding just the right words. I spent so much time devoted to him, even before the cancer taking care of him, and now that he isn't here, I feel like I'm looking for someone else to take care of. People tell me that I need to look for someone to love and have them take care of me. But I feel like I'm not whole unless I'm taking care of someone. There's a empty part of me that needs love. I don't feel the love anymore, it seems as everyone else has love and happiness, except me, I feel fat, ugly and all alone. It's like I look at everyone existing around me. I don't feel apart of anything like I'm invisible, and orphaned like.

It's now January 2009, Jim died November 2007, last year was really rough, things seem to be getting better. Been doing a lot of reading recently, working and trying to survive the winter in Virginia, still have my two dogs, cat, and turtle. Off from work today. Reading Peony in love, tried to read Monster's of Templeton but could not get into it.